July 23, 2010

This is me, just to be.

Most if you know who I am, but for those of you who don't, my name is Jamie Porazinski. To the date of this blog entry, I am 22 years old and a senior in college. Most people say I come off as a 30 something year old when I get into intellectual talks with them. They think I know and carry myself well beyond my years. Now let me explain why I'm making this entry instead of posting some funny comic drawing or other piece of art work. I'm doing this because I think it might be the only way for people to hear what I have to say, just one person, one woman. I do not just want to ideally stand by and watch this world go through hell on a TV screen. And no, I'm not just someone else sitting by and complaining with out taking action myself. Once college is over, that's when my big plans start. I walk to school when the weather permits (the heat in Florida is dangerous in the summer). I watch the faces of people passing by in their cars. It's so sad, most of them either are on the phone or rushing to get somewhere. If I never took this first walk to my school, I would have never seen the beauty in two small lakes I pass by in my car when I go to school. I can see the fish swimming around, birds and turtles floating in the lilly pads. I was late to class one morning because I just had to stop and sit by a tree to draw it. Since leaving high school, I became someone else, someone different then I wanted to be. In this world, it teaches you once you hit a curtain age, you have to grow up. No more childhood fantasies, no nap times, no play times in the mud, not even being about to climb trees. I remember sitting on the steps to my porch by myself while my mom slept in the day time. I would look up to the three large trees in our front yard and listen to the wind sweep through the branches. Oh mercy, it was beautiful. I'd close my eyes and talk to the nature around me, the pure bliss of being surrounded by something that allowed us to live. I was just a child and knew this concept more then I think I should have. I believe it's the result of growing up very misunderstood and out-cased in most social groups. I had to become someone else, something people would love to be around. I craved friends, so I twisted my image into something else. I think it was the worse around my senior year in high school; and no one noticed. I tired to be myself again, to shrug off the person I didn't want to be, but every time I cracked a joke to my friends, they would look at me annoyed. Most of the time I just received that 'are you stupid' look. I hated it, so then I become quite and reserved to myself hiding away again. No one understood me, at least not till after high school and I finally had a best friend to confine in. I wanted to play, make people laugh, smile. I believe that is the best way to make life something worth while. Some people didn't understand, how I could make jokes when things were upset or sad. But to my best understanding, we need all the help we can get. Life is to short, you have to pick and choose your battles carefully because this world is filled with enough hate and not enough laughter. That day, sitting by the lake and drawing the scenery I started to cry. I felt myself coming back, the playfulness, the child in myself. Oh how I missed her! Memories of me climbing trees and playing pirates with some of the kids on the block starting flooding back to me. Even the hard times in school and being picked on constantly for being so quiet and drawing all the time. I didn't care, I had myself again. I could just be. My nephew was born about 3 in a half years ago. He's something else. I loved it. I see the glow in his eyes that I love to have back in my own life. I never understood why we as humans had to let go of that childhood innocents. It might be because of the environment the world as turned into, but none the less, it doesn't mean we still can't grasp it. I watch as he plays small little games of tossing his favorite stuff toy around, and listen as others tell him not to do that in the house. I feel a tug on my heart, I know they didn't want anything to get broken. I remember playing with my nephew in his room once, he had the blocks out. We started to build something, till it became a wall around myself on the floor. He then began to knock it down and toss the blocks in the air without a care in the world. I giggle and since we were in his room, I joined in. If we had more of a sense to things like this, I believe we would be better off. We get so attached to material things we forget what really matters. We forget what once made us happy. In a world that's so fast pace, we let the things we once enjoyed slip us by. As a child we didn't have to worry about driving to get here or get there. Instead we took what we had at the moment around us and made the best of it. If people stopped and slowed down, we could see the big picture in life. The oil spill in the gulf, the earthquake effects, the hurricanes, people's lives being televised and ruined like they were not even real humans but puppets for our entertainment. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it because my skin color is different? Or does he not believe in the right God? Does her piercings make you uncomfortable? Is that portfolio out of place at work? I miss being a kid, when things like this didn't matter to us. Maybe if we could all find it again, we could all cry at the same time, with each other.

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